Marriage Is...

Marriage is hard, difficult, challenging, and frustrating. Marriage is amazing, joyous, exhilarating, and fulfilling. I’m not describing multiple marriages, I’m describing a marriage. If you’re married, you know exactly what I mean but it begs the question; how can this be? How can one thing bring about such a wide range of emotions?

Each of us has a unique point of view. Those points of view are formed and refined over the course of decades and at their core form who we are as individuals. These ideals are a big part of our “identity” and our identity is how we show ourselves to the world.

When a marriage occurs, two people (and identities) come together and begin a journey of dying to self and becoming one flesh and in some respects, one identity. That’s easily said but hard to do. This takes time and effort and as a result there will be parts of your marriage that are great and parts of your marriage that still need work. This is the answer to the question I posed above! Don’t lose heart, this is normal and should be expected.

Becoming one flesh (Mark 10:8) is difficult because dying to self is the hardest thing to do in life – regardless of your marital status. We innately put our needs, wants, and desires above anything or anyone else’s needs, wants, and desires. In a marriage, prioritizing the needs of your spouse above your own requires a considerable amount of commitment but it is also key to building a lasting and happy marriage. Please know that I am not advocating that one person dies while the other person lives – that is not two becoming one, that is one becoming like the other. It is important to retain the uniqueness in which we were created but there are also key issues like faith, finances, family size, discipline of children, and many others where a reasonable compromise will be essential.

So, what do we do about this? How do we stay on track while we spend the rest of our lives together? Here are a few thoughts:

1.) Always consider the point of view of your spouse. Even if you adamantly disagree with it, you must do so in a respectful and loving manner. There will be issues where perhaps you will never agree and that is okay as long as you find a balance both of you can live with going forward. I urge you to consider this, there is one thing that matters more than the compromise itself and that is how you got to the compromise. Handling delicate matters in a way that is loving and respectful of your spouse’s point of view is in and of itself dying to self and will go a long way toward building trust and reaffirming that you value your spouse and the uniqueness in which they were created -regardless of whether you agree. What could be more loving than that?

2.) Regardless of the challenge never, ever, use the “D” word*. If you talk to people who have been married 50 years or longer, one thing you will learn is they never allowed that word into their marriage. When you took the vow to get married you didn’t say until “divorce does us part” you said until “death do us part”. That means you committed to being together forever. So why would you then allow such a powerful and negative word into your marriage. The minute you use that word you are indicating to your spouse that you are not fully committed. It implies that the moment things get “too hard” you are willing to simply walk away. How can you build a foundation of trust when you are strapping C4 to it and threatening to use it? If you have used the “D” word in your marriage, I encourage you to approach your spouse and talk about it. Ask to be forgiven for using it and reassure them you are committed to the marriage and you will be there through thick and thin – just like you committed to when you said “I do”.

3.) Invest in your marriage. Invest financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Think of any possession you own that you cherish. In order for you to keep that investment in pristine condition you have to invest your time, talents, and treasure to maintain it. Your marriage is no different. Find ways in which to invest in your marriage and you’ll be amazed at the results. As an example, one of the best investments I ever made was something I heard on the radio and I’m so thankful I took the initiative to follow through on the idea. I wrote down 30 things that I loved about my spouse (they have to be unique to your spouse). I cut each statement into a small strip of paper, folded them up, and put them in a box. I then presented the box to my spouse with the instruction to open one “love vitamin” each morning. The result, each and every day my spouse receives affirmation from me! Admittedly, it took some time to be thoughtful about the items I wrote down but aside from my time this gift cost me less than a dollar but was priceless to my spouse.

What tips do you have for a successful marriage? Join the conversation. No one has a monopoly on good ideas and considering the 50% divorce rate in America, we would all benefit from practical advice on making our marriages stronger. We look forward to your comments and feedback. Stay tuned, we’ll continue to write about the challenges of marriage and ways in which to grow together.

(*It is very difficult to use the word never and I used it despite knowing there may be very unique circumstances where it may be warranted. As an example, a spouse who is being physically abused has every right to seek a divorce. These types of circumstances are the exception and if you find yourself in a situation like this I urge you to seek pastoral counsel from a local church.)

 

Debt, Debt & More Debt

In recent weeks there has been a lot of discussion in the media about debt – and rightfully so. From federal debt to personal debt and all levels in between, debt is at a historic high. Regardless of your political position, it is clear our country faces a series of difficult fiscal decisions. In better days a strong economy comprised of rising wages, growing stock portfolios, and surging home prices helped to mask the issue of debt levels in our country. It fueled the euphoria of excess by making us all feel “richer”. The inevitable result was people extending themselves beyond their means without planning for a rainy day. Growing wealth masked the excess allowing us to be undisciplined, while also masking the danger of excessive debt.

If you find yourself in debt, regardless of how you got there it’s never too late to find your financial footing. Make today the first day of your get out of debt plan! Follow the steps outlined below, take your first step, and begin your journey!

1. Get organized -Get serious about your debt and get organized! How much debt do you have? How much money do you owe and to whom? When is your debt due? How can you get to the finish line if you haven’t entered the starting block?

2. Assess your situation – Armed with the information above you can begin to assess your situation. Are you in a small amount of debt? A lot? How difficult will it be to improve your debt situation? To find out, move on to step 3.

3. Develop a plan – The first step in developing a plan involves the dreaded “B” word. Yes, that’s right, a budget. Don’t overcomplicate it. In its simplest form, a budget is nothing more than a document that shows how much money comes in and how much goes out. This step is the most critical because it will reveal where your money “goes” and provides an opportunity to direct (or redirect) your money to align with your desire to get out of debt!

4. Stay disciplined – While it is possible for some to eat rice and beans for two years to get out of debt the reality is most of us lack that level of intensity and commitment. Set a realistic budget for yourself and stay disciplined. Find ways to hold yourself accountable. Remove temptation to get off track by removing credit cards from your wallet or purse. Each of us is tempted to indulge in different ways so you’ll have to be honest with yourself and find ways to stay on track.

5. Find common minded people – We are designed to be in community. Look for ways to engage with others who share your goal of debt freedom. Listening to others progress in their journey is inspirational and will help you stay focused. Their stories will remind you that you are not alone, your goal is indeed attainable, and you are one step closer to your goal today then you were yesterday. Think of your journey as a marathon not a series of sprints. It’s about keeping the pace, not getting out of the starting block at record speed!

6. Track your success – Track progress against your debt goals. Not only will it keep you focused on finishing the race it will also help you see how far you’ve come!

7. Share your story – For every person starting their journey, there is someone finishing theirs. Be sure to help inspire others by sharing the story of your own journey!

Temptation is everywhere and access to credit is easier than ever. This toxic combination makes it easy to get into financial trouble…and FAST! Over the past few years we have seen firsthand how debt can devastate individuals and countries. Let’s resolve to take the first step TODAY it put ourselves in a better financial position.

Nadia being Nadia

I am better appreciating these moments as I look at my older children and how quickly time passes. 

The Passing of a Matriarch

Exactly one week ago today I boarded a plane in Seattle heading for Nashville to join my family to bury my grandmother, Altagracia Tangui. I wasn’t really sure what to expect or even how I’d feel. No one roots for their grandmother to pass away but there was this peace about it because she had been declining for some time now and she’d been suffering too. I am glad her suffering is over. As a Christian I had great joy because I know EXACTLY where she went - she went to heaven to be with our heavenly father for all of eternity. What an amazing life she lived. She saw and endured so much. Let’s look at a brief checklist of major events during her lifetime: WW I – check, The Great Depression – check, WW II – check, survived Trujillo – check, 17 U.S. Presidents (Wilson thru Obama) – check. You get the point. She lived a very long life and a full one at that J. Grandmother was a bit of a trailblazer too. Imagine what life would be like for a white woman to marry a black man in the 1930’s. Well that’s exactly what she did and they were married over 50 years until he passed away. Think about that…in the 1930’s! What about coming to the U.S.? Imagine leaving your country to start a new life in the U.S. because that’s where the best opportunities were for your family. Yep, she did that too. Ok, enough of that stuff, that isn’t the point of this post.

As I was watching her go in the ground I reflected on her life. The thing that kept bugging me was I couldn’t really think about my grandmother without thinking about my grandfather. It was like I was burying them both. As you’ll see in a moment – in essence I *was* burying them both.

When I think of my grandmother the first thing that comes to mind is “the heart of a servant”. Not servant as in slave – no not by any stretch. If you knew my grandmother you know she was a super strong willed woman. Heck, read the list above again. No, I mean servant because she wanted to serve, she *chose* to serve. When that word came to me I was almost taken aback by it. I felt….offended. Servant? My grandmother? No. Then it hit me….what did Jesus teach us through his life? Yep, you guessed it – to love and serve others just as he did. So why did it offend me? That took a few minutes to sort out but in short it was this: in today’s society to say you serve is to say or imply that you are beneath something or someone. No one wants to be thought of that way. Why? - because of pride that is why. If we are to model the master should we too not have the heart of a servant? The heart of someone looking to serve? Think on that for a minute. After a few minutes my thoughts went from confusing to that of understanding. To the extent that it could be, my grandmothers life was a carbon copy of Jesus’ life.

So back to something a said a few moments ago. Why was I burying them both? Well as I mentioned, I couldn’t think of my grandmother without thinking of my grandfather. Why? Isn’t this bad? Aren’t we taught by society that we should have our own identities? We’re just two separate people who happen to be married, right? Well, once again that is what society tells us but that’s not grandma. She and my grandfather were inseparable. As scripture teaches us the two became one flesh (Mark 10:7-8). It’s not that she wasn’t her own person, she definitely was, but once again she was modeling for us what the Bible taught. That’s why I was burying them both – the two became one.

My grandmother was truly a matriarch. Our family revolved around her. She was instrumental in the salvation of my grandfather who became an amazing man of God. Her diligence, despite his skepticism, changed his life and our lives forever. What better leadership is there than to be the person responsible for the salvation of your family (of course it’s God who saves us but her obedience was the channel he used). Their marriage and faithfulness taught me what a *real* Christian life and marriage is supposed to be. To this day I look at them as the best example I’ve ever personally seen and thier example is what I aspire to. I pray I am successful in following their example and in displaying that for my children and grandchildren to follow.

Grandma – thank you for all you did for our family and for me personally. Each day of my life I am influenced by something you and granddad taught me through training or through example.

God is sooooo good

A must read story about a friend of mine. If this doesn’t get your faith up, I don’t know what will!

http://www.brentwoodbaptist.com/brentwood/news/2011/05-11/my-story-brian-kingsbury